A Post For Amy.

I sometimes forget that my friend Amy reads my blog and I put sappy stuff on here about her without realising, but even though I know she’ll see this and it’ll be cringey and embarrassing, I’m going to go ahead and gush…

1. First Meeting
We met at the audition for drama at Exeter University. We were both trying to make a good impression so, as we were walking down the hill, we were both a little tense because neither of us had smoked a cigarette in about six hours (this was back in my pre-20 I-wanna-be-a-rebel-but-I’m-too-scared-to-get-a-tattoo phase).
We get far enough away from the audition building that she figures it’s safe to light-up and I just instantly fall in love with her because she handed me a cigarette after only knowing me for about 30 hours.

2. Music
She has introduced me to some great music and I cannot listed to Gaslight Anthem without thinking of her.

3. Laughter
I directed this wonderful woman in a play called Daniel’s Demons (my dad wrote it, no big deal, he’s kind of awesome) and, despite the fact I was nervous because I knew she was a freaking awesome director herself, she was so lovely and so giving and she made me laugh so much with all her funny little unexpected things.

4. Cheering Me Up
She listened to me bitch and moan about everything from bad grades to relationshit and she never once treated any of it like it didn’t matter.
She once signed her copy of Nick Hornby’s High Fidelity and gave it to me because I’d lent mine to someone and never got it back. I will always always keep that book somewhere I can see it because it reminds me that, even though I have made a few (a lot of) mistakes, I have someone in my life who loves me.

She loves me enough to sing lesbian duets from Rent with me at two in the morning when we’re both drunk.
Like, if that’s not real love then I don’t know what is.

5. Boobs
Who doesn’t love a friend with great boobs?

I am so glad she had a good Birthday and I miss her already.

Alice.

“Connect Four, Bitch!”

Last night, I met up with a friend and we went to this little pub where there are lots of board games, some of which even have almost all of the necessary pieces to play!

So, at this pub , my friend and I chatted about work, about life, about all the stuff we’ve done and all the stuff we want to do.
And we played Connect Four.

I won the first game, and I’m feeling pretty cocky and we’re taking the piss with each other, because that’s what friends do and then I see it – lined up perfectly – a perfect way for me to win the second game in a row and be crowned the Connect Four champion.
He doesn’t see my master plan, he just puts his red counter in and I swoop in with my yellow, dropping it in with the fateful last words “Connect Four, BITCH!”

…The only trouble was, somewhere between my smudged glasses, the good conversation and the second glass of wine, I’d made a slight error in judgement and had, in fact, dropped my counter into the wrong column, perfectly lining him up to win…

There was a moment of silence as we looked, first at the game, and then at each other, and then every single person in the pub turned to stare at us both because I have never laughed so hard and so loudly in my whole life.

I am such a tit sometimes.

I’m going to eat some dinner and tidy my apartment in preparation for the boyfriend arriving tomorrow ^_^

Alice.

Making Fwiends.

This was going to be quite a long post about the fact that sometimes I’m an incompetent twat and I don’t always think before I speak and, as such, managed to fuck up a very significant friendship a while back and I don’t think I can make it better because an apology doesn’t really mean a lot when I’m not 100% sure of what I’m apologising for (that’s not me suggesting that I haven’t done anything, by the way, I obviously have I’m just not sure what it was – it was probably lots of things).

I wanted to talk about how the whole thing has left me a little bit lonely in Exeter and a little bit scared of fucking up with my friends but it was hard to write; mostly because I’m not too sure of what happened and so writing about it just becomes this vague rambling about guilt and confusion.

So I couldn’t write it.

But it has been weighing on my mind for quite some time and kind of stressing me out so at least I tried and hopefully it’s out of my system now… I dunno.

The good news is that I am trying to learn from my own absolute fuckery instead of wallowing in it too much. So, last night, I went out with some of the girls who were in my year and I had a really fantastic night.

This was a slightly strange post and took way longer than it should have done.
I will attempt to write better blogs this week but right now I’m going back to my duvet day and watching The Thick of It.

Fuckity Bye.

Alice.

The Smells in My Apartment…

09:00 – A fluffy dressing gown that needs a wash.

09:30 – Black coffee.

10:30 – Orange shampoo.

12:00 – Outdoor breeze coming through the open window.

13:00 – Fresh laundry.

14:00 – Toast.

15:30 – That weird smell the hoover makes.

16:00 – Slightly chemically lemon floor cleaner.

18:00 – Delicious vegetarian curry.

19:00 – My favourite perfume.

---

I have been very anxious today and, after a conversation with a girl I used to live with, I was left feeling fairly hopelessly awful.
I think most people like to think of themselves as good people, but I really had to question that today. I thought maybe I am an awful person. But then I went for drinks with the old cast of Enron (a play I directed a few months back) – it was a struggle to go at all, I really just wanted to curl up and not do anything, because sometimes being slightly anxious does that to me – but it was great. Those people are wonderful and they made me feel worthwhile again.

So I am going to go to bed feeling I have some worth and I am capable of some good and still have friends who will put up with me, for which I am eternally grateful.

Alice.

A Positive Attitude Towards Underachieving

I always tell myself, just as I’m going to bed, that I will wake up and go running or go to the gym or go swimming. And then I never do.
And I always write really long to do lists even though I don’t always finish them.

I think a lot of people do this. I think everyone is full of novels and career choices and health ambitions and serious plans to revise and study hard that they will do tomorrow.
I think that’s a very human thing and, whilst it’s obviously important to try and make our aspirations a reality, I think it’s also important that we don’t beat ourselves up too hard when we don’t make it to the finish line.
I mean, I used to be really hard on myself. I still am sometimes. But it used to be all the time and it just left with a really damaged relationship with myself… which is a stupid thing to have. After all, I spend so much time with me – I spend more time with me than I will ever spend with anybody else – so I might as well try very hard to get along with myself.

That said, I have been waking up with a lot more energy and motivation at the moment than I have been used to since graduation. I’m still not involved in any theatre projects and I feel that I may have to continue to let theatre take a back seat whilst I get fully on my feet, but I’m surprisingly okay with that for the time being.
So this morning I went swimming.

See. Told you I went swimming.

I had a load of other stuff I was meant to get done today but I accidentally ran into a friend outside the Cathedral in town whilst he was enjoying the sunshine with a sausage roll.
…perhaps that should be ‘he was enjoying both the sunshine and a sausage roll’… otherwise it sounds as though he and a sausage roll were both enjoying the sunshine…
Whatever.

I went back to his house (which I used to live in when I was a student, so that was kind of weird because I tried to open the door with my new house keys) and we watched the musical episode of Buffy together.
If you have not seen this, then find a way. Even if you don’t watch Buffy (which you probably should because it’s awesome) – it’s just great and it will make you smile.

Anyway, I didn’t get a lot of the other stuff I was meant to do today done other than buying food for packed lunches and going swimming. Not very long ago a to do list, to me, was like a list of rules. I got anxious when I didn’t get things done properly and I would often avoid doing anything that wasn’t on the list – even if it meant missing out on catching up with friends or having a bit of a breather.

A lot of the friends I made at University – actually, a lot of my friends generally – are about to start their second or third years of study tomorrow. And I am about to start a new job, where I haven’t really got a clue what I’m doing.
But that’s okay, because I don’t actually think anyone really knows what they’re doing. I used to think adults were people who had everything figured out, but actually it turns out we just get better at blustering through things and faking certainty the older we get.

I guess – in a way that is not meant to sound preachy but will ultimately sound clichéd as balls – what I’m trying to remind myself in this post is that I have to celebrate everything that I achieve. Otherwise I’ll drive myself nuts and end up hating myself. And so what if I haven’t done the washing up yet? Or put away the clothes that have been hanging up to dry for two days? I went outside, I went swimming, I ate too many cheesey twists (actually, there’s no such thing as too many cheesey anythings, cheese is good, always) and I feel content.

I mean, I still need to do the washing up. But it’s okay. Even if it has to wait until the morning. Everything is going to be alright.

Alice.

A Good Day Off

Today was productive and fun but now I am super-sleepy despite it only being about half past ten…

I went round to my old house to clean it and make everything look as good as when I moved in so I will hopefully be receiving a nice large cheque from my land lady soon when she returns my deposit!

I also met up with a friend for a late afternoon drink and a game of pool (which might explain why I’m so sleepy) and whilst at the pub I made friends with a little girl who shared my name and we made a tower out of jenga blocks together…

Alice.

Edit: Accidentally saved this to drafts in my sleepy state, should now be published and live.
I’m an idiot.

When Alice Met Harry

I may have spent far too much money, but I have had the best few days in London after finishing my acting job.

I met up with a couple of friends including this loser:

That’s Harry.
I’ve known him as a friend-of-a-friend since I was seventeen or eighteen but it was only during the final term in my first year at uni that we became very close.
We’re very similar in certain ways, and I think we both went through break-ups at the same time and became tequila buddies.

We’re such children.
I went to London zoo with him today which was amazingly good fun. They have a section where you can go into a monkey enclosure and I took some photos of a monkey whilst only about a foot away from its adorable little face.

I’m now on the coach, heading back to Exeter. Back to job hunting, back to work and back to being far away from my nearest and dearest.  It’s tough, and sometimes it makes me wish I could just run to London on a neverending holiday. Then I remember that I’ve chosen to stay in Exeter for a reason and I mustn’t lose sight of the city’s incredible potential to make some theatre and carve a place for myself.

Alice.