How To Adult: Making A Double Bed

One of the questions I get asked least often as a not-at-all famous internet person is “How do you make a double bed?”
So I decided today to make a handy step-by-step guide…

Step 1: Strip the bed and put the sheets in the wash, then have a glass of wine.

If you only own one set of sheets and will have to wait for them to be washed and dried before you can make the bed, then the wine is an absolute necessity to pass the time.
However, if you’re a fancy-pants who owns more than one set of sheets I would strongly recommend you still partake in a glass of wine, just to get your strength back and fully assess the task at hand.

Step 2: Clear the bed.

Take everything that is currently on the bed – pillows, duvet, teddy bears, sleeping boyfriends – and just throw that shit across the room; don’t throw it too hard because you’ll need it in a minute and you probably don’t want to walk very far because of that glass of wine you just had.
If you misjudge your strength and your stuff sails out of an upstairs window; don’t sweat it. That’s a problem for future you to deal with.

Step 3: Fit the sheet on the bed.

This third step is a tricky one. It is unclear whether the bed is growing or the sheet is shrinking, but don’t be too hard on yourself if you don’t get this on your first go.
My favourite technique is the Two Corners and Dive – where you get the sheet on the top two corners of the bed; hold it around your shoulders like a cape; and dive forward. You may end up being trapped under it for all eternity, but that’s a small price to pay for a perfectly smooth fitted sheet.

Step 4: Put the pillow cases on the pillow.

If you can’t manage this without instructions then I can’t help you.
Nobody can help you.

Step 5: Put the duvet cover on the duvet.

This is the most complicated bit, so comes in three parts.

Part A.

Take your duvet by the corners. I hope your arms are long and your heart is true, because you are going to need all the help you can get…

Part B.

Turn the duvet cover inside out to supposedly make it easier to put on the duvet without it being lumpy or uneven.

Part C.

Oh man, this is fucking hard.
Maybe some more wine will help…

Step 6: Bed Time.

Just throw some decorative, surprisingly itchy little cushions on and reach for your dressing gown. Call it “the Bohemian life” or some shit like that. I bet people will think your cooler for it, even though you’re actually just a twenty-two year old woman who still struggles to make her bed…

Goodnight everyone.

Alice