If Harry Potter Titles Were True to the Films… (Part One)

I have been marathoning (which I have just decided is now a verb) Harry Potter since yesterday evening. I am nearly at the graveyard in Goblet of Fire which basically means that I’m at the turning point where the whole franchise goes from child-friendly story about loveable rascals who can do magic and are pure enough of heart to defeat evil on a whim to politically-driven freedom fighters trying to survive long enough to bring down an oppressive regime (and we don’t talk about the incongruous epilogue).

tl;dr: Shit’s about to get real in the wizarding world.

I grew up on the Harry Potter stories, as so many people did, and they will always have a very special place in my heart, but that also does not stop some of the earlier films being hilarious to me now, so I have come up with some alternative film titles for the first half of the series…

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone

or

Harry Potter and the School that Safety Regulations Forgot

Harry Potter and the Grounds Keeper Who Can’t Keep His Mouth Shut

Harry Potter and the Female Friend With the Strong Eyebrow Game

Harry Potter and the Child Actor Who Can’t Blink With Both Eyes At the Same Time

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

or

Harry Potter and the Grounds Keeper Who Still Can’t Keep His Mouth Shut

Harry Potter and the Day Puberty Dropped His Voice For Him

Harry Potter and the Continuation of Neville’s Suffering Before He Beats Puberty

Harry Potter and the Elf Who Thought Killing Him Personally Would At Least Save Him Being Killed By Someone Else

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

or

Harry Potter and the Headmaster Who Has Zero Fucks to Give and Will Happily Talk About Strawberries To Save A Hippogriff

Harry Potter and the Time Snape Got Revenge On One of His Childhood Bullies By Telling Everyone He Was a Werewolf

Harry Potter and the School Who Has the Ability to Use Time Travel But, Rather Than Go Kill Baby Voldemort, Gives It To A Girl So She Can Take Extra Classes*

Harry Potter and the Loud Irish Dumbledore

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

or

Harry Potter and the Time They Should Start To Realise A Pattern In Their Choice Of Defence Against The Dark Arts Teachers

Harry Potter and the Time Everyone Realised That Hermione Is Actually Gorgeous

Harry Potter and the Heartbreak Of The Line “That’s My Boy”

Harry Potter and the Only Time George Would See Fred As An Old Man

* The time travel in Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban works based on one theory of time travel called Fixed Timeline, so I know that they couldn’t actually go back in time and kill baby Voldemort.
This brilliant graphic (that I think was) made by tumblr user slavicinferno explains it well:

Anyway. I have to go and get on with things (like watching Cedric Diggory get killed whilst I do the ironing), but before I go, I present you with my absolutely fantastic morning mohawk-quiff-hybrid…

It is so sad that I couldn’t do this to my hair on purpose if I tried…

Alice.

Part Two is now available HERE.